Beautiful stranger and Fat Demon

Wow, a great, great week ! I've been imagining that I am that model in long slim black pants, red blouse and orange scarf, carrying the new LV boungeliere (ah ! spell), long hair pretty me huh ! I love that bag, a MUST-HAVE, I will dress exactly like that model with that bag when I get it, god knows when. Ah, then I realized I will soon get 2 monetary awards from my employer, love you employer, gimme my new LV, gimme, gimme !


And then, a good friend and and I realized we MAY be losing weight. We had FUNtastic yoga classes this week, I feel strong, toned, confident, taller, straighter, healthier, slimmer ? Yeh, it doesn't matter how I look, I do feel slimmer. I think I eat less, going to yoga classes is easier, nobody to lure me into eating countless meals a day. I can now wear my old yoga attire that has been begging me to lose weight and put them to good use, just like my skinny jeans. I was wondering, why, why am I losing weight, why oh why  ? Ah, the beautiful stranger, damn him ! He's been out of my sight for a while and his absence give me such a better looking body, I think ! A friend said ' Gosh ! so he's our FAT DEMON all this while huh !'. Yes, Beautiful Stranger is in fact the Fat Demon !


Fat Demon, we miss you till no words can describe, when you come back, you will look at nothing but fabulosity, that we will look exactly like the thin Kimora, only shorter !!!

Tale of a dress - sad story

Life changes after J.Lo looks alike attempt. My stranger, after spending days being the person I wish he is when we were together, has changed. He become a sad, depressed person. I was working when he texted me early in the morning asking about boys, then said something like 'hey ! please tell boys I love them no matter what, if I were to leave this world before you, please come and visit my grave, it will make me rest in peace, hopefully'. Now, I was stunned not knowing how to respond. I must have forgotten how to breathe until I feel the warmth of my tears come running down my face. What is wrong him ? And before I get to respond, he texted again 'Yeah, you know my blood pressure is going up lately, I'm just feeling ..... different'. Well my stranger, I am feeling different and sad. For once I thought I can forget him and move on with my life, if I ever decided to not rebuild our lives like before. But my tears is telling me that I probably do care about him, worry about him, love him ? I don't know. I just want my children to have a father they can grow up with, to wrestle with, making fun of each other, to do the spanking business, to be there when they graduate, at weddings, enjoying grandchildren. Why does he sounds like he's giving up on life? I was crying all day at every opportunities, even quietly during a meeting that talk about technology. Technology? I don't care, I am feeling sad dear technology, for now you have to be on your own !!

A friend later told me, it's probably good that he's feeling like that, he is probably knocking some senses back to his head, another friend told me not to worry, it's probably the J.Lo dress again. See, isn't friendship great !!

Tale of a dress - continuation of Poplook saga

At last i got my poplook, it was worth the wait, thanks to a lovely pretty friend who is dying to transform me into J.Lo. It will be impossible to be J.Lo, there's only one amazing ever beautiful J.Lo, but at least I got some heads turning, eyes popping, stares from the elderly on my chest.

Out of all the stories of this leopard print Mia Midi, there's only one that really stands out, my stranger has gone crazy all over me exactly like 10 years ago. He begged me to send a picture which I did after about an hour worth of begging, me in J.Lo dress, brown stilettos, long hair partly clipped at the back and smiling confidently feeling J.Lo spirit in me. This very picture has turned his world upside come. We're talking about hours of text messages, about at least a hundred that I have to topup my prepaid mobile once, at one cent/message, not to mention endless call, romantic words, confessions that was never made, apologies, spoiled by words of love. Dear stranger, please remember I am now 10 years older, going through what seems like mid-life crisis. All those teenage-style- love-story won't work anymore, I'm just a humble straight forward single lady. If you are a hopelessly romantic guy, that will not fit me quite right. That's when stranger start talking about our lives, reflecting back on especially his mistakes, some of mine too, his future plan, our children, this and that. That he misses me until no words can describe, feeling shameful of his wrongdoings. That I am in fact the best, the only one who understand him.

A wise old man once told me, victory belongs to those who wait patiently. In my case, a J.Lo dress defines the end of a journey towards victory. Now who should I thank, the wise old man, myself or the dress ?

I definitely thank God for His endless loves, because that really counts among all ..... and on top of that, thank you my sweet lovely pretty friend who gave me a really POP LOOK !

Strange cat in my car

Last night I got hypnotized by poplooks.com, thanks to a dear friend who tried so hard to make me look like J.Lo ! I got so hypnotized in the awesomeness of poplook, that I eat poplook, I sleep poplook, I dream poplook, it will not stop until I get my first delivery, 2 dresses on its way. I thought I'll be thinking poplook for the whole of the day after, until something scary happened. As I dropped my two little fella off for school, I smell something so bad, something .... so familiar, something rotten, yet fresh. A cat must have gotten stomach ache very early in the morning and her poops seems so close to me ,yet so far, can smell it can't see it. Where is that poopies ? Oh well ! Poor cat but I'm off to work. So I drove off but wait ! why do I still smell it? I stopped by the roadside, sniffed on my shoes like a crazy old woman, nothing ..... my foot, nothing, but I swear I can still smell it, all the way, inside the car, so close yet so invisible. Unwind the window, still there, and stronger. Gosh ! This is gonna be a tough drive. I am suffocated in cat poopies smell. Strong as I am, I made it to the office, parked my car and there it was, splashed all over the right tyre, splashed so bad untill it was stucked on the door. Like Bruno Mars 'Grenade' easy come easy go .... uh huh, the carwash should take care of it.

Went to the office, I still smell it, oh heck .... it's probably the trauma of driving with cat poops, but never mind that, gotta work and earn my living. Went  to yoga, ..... why am I still smelling it, so close yet so .... confusing. As I'm trying to enjoy downdog, there it was again, cat poops smell. It's there everywhere, in uttanasana, balasana, camel pose, worst in downward dog, as I twist I still smell it. Am I going crazy, why is my mind so traumatized by cat poops? I can handle marriage problem, work problem, I can breathe those out from my mind, why can't I get rid of cat poops from my mind ? Am I getting weaker, more vulnerable to small threats like this ? Or do I miss my mom's cat ? Has I awaken one of my chakras, that I can see and smell the non-existence of living. Am I missing my own cats that anything, even cat poops, remind me of my beloved Simba, Tara and Tammy? Oh gosh ! How do I breathe deeply if all I can think off now is ... cat poops ? Is this a sign of unconcious negativity, in my mind, in my body, why ... why .. why .... echoing in my brain .. until, a friend pointed out few brown spots on my shin !! I quickly ran to the changing room, swiped those spots and cautiously smell it ...... man !! Cat poops !

I still haven't got my pop look yet, I sure have my poops-look for the whole of today ..... !! Namaste kitty, I forgive you !

The strangeness of identity

I attended a talk years ago by a yoga mahaguru, about human and their journey towards identifying themselves. Our physical body, when narrowed down into its smallest being, is none other but countless numbers of atoms, that each will look exactly the same, so how are we different from others ? How do we identify our being with the rest of the world, between good and bad. It is tragic that many people identify themselves by the things they own, small car, big car, make-up brand they use, brand of their handbags and clothes, size of their house, their job, their family ..... is that a right thing to do ? That I am a simple person because of the money I spent on food, for example. That I am classy because this is the handbag design I like to carry. That I am humble because I don't buy any of those. Really ? I struggle to find my own identity, what am I ? While still in search for the ultimate answer, I know for sure that identifying yourself against worldly material is none of the answer. It worries me that I am beginning to have list of things I want lately, Louis Vutton Alma in Vernis, LV Black Idylle, Speedy 35 with straps, Red Vincci Shoes, Toyota Vios, White CRV, Return to Tiffany 18K Gold earring, this and that, cheap and expensive. I have to constantly remind myself that those are only to reward myself and in doing so, never ever forget to share some with the unfortunates. That having the Vernis Alma is merely because the price pays for the quality, not because I will look classy with it, for a classy person are those with classy personality not what they carry.

As far as the mind is in the action of reminding, I should be find. I still do not have answers on my identity, but one thing for sure, the bag or car or shoes are there to serve me, not identify me, for what I am is how I behave !!!

But still ..... I love Louis Vutton !

I love you strangers !

It was devastating enough to see what happened to our friends in Japan, lives lost to tsunami, all the tragic stories, mother missing childs, home vanished, hunger, it is sad. Though I did not make it this morning, I am so proud to see friends doing karma yoga, for Japan, raising money, again to make this world a better place to live in. Strangers helping other strangers, beauty of live, how being compassion to others is evindent to unconditional, borderless love.

Can you imagine having loves, in everybody body, mind and soul, as it become their principle in live, to love and be loved. Why are we wasting time on wars, killing each others, spending money for no good reason, when there a zillion of other ways to be in agreement, why ? Why are we stupid enough to kill each other, when death is really up to God. Why are we so rude and think we are more powerful than the other and fight over the impermanence things in life. Greed thus stupidity and ignorance. I raised this up once over lunch and was then approached by a fellow friend '<girl>, I am dissapointed that you do not see the importance of this war that we've been fighting for, for years'. Don't get wrong friend, I believe in what you are fighting for, I just do not believe how you are fighting for it.

Let's love each other strangers, because love is powerful to make this life an amazing journey !

Strange awesomeness

Clap ... clap ... clap ! Firstly, for getting the Internet back online. Must it be down when there's so many things to write about ! Oh well all strangers, this week is AWESOME !!  Firstly, a dear friend called on Monday morning to deliver red velvet cupcakes FOC, whatever Red Velvet means, it was surprisingly delicious !! As the cake was on its way, I got another awesome news, selected as 2010 Mentor of the year award recipient ! So far so awesome, and strange! What makes it strange was, this award arrive on the same day a 'personal' mentor lunch going to happen, planned days before. A long overdue lunch meet for both of us to really make a leap change in our lives, to turn hatred into sincerity, to work with things within our circle of control thus our circle of influence, to start moving towards greatness. To forgive and move on, to deal with rather than to be in denial. To sort things out and makes this world a better place to live it. Did I achieve that ? I think I did, I think we did ! Sometimes we are all stucked in what I called managerial mishaps that resulted in confusing stupidity and the only way to get out of it is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a powerful weapon against all odds in life. It frees your soul to freedom. Forgiveness, that is all !

Moving on through the week, I saw an amazingly smart lady in questionable fashion, floral shirt, pants with zillion of pockets, mini floral sling bag, and you think Britney Spears is weird ! I imagine if beautiful stranger were to see this, wow ! A movie called 'When Beautiful Stranger met pocketful pants', bizarre, bizarre ! Talk about beautiful stranger, I am missing him. He once gave an advise to an overly stressed friend, just think, when you are stressed, you become ugly ! It was amazing how that makes all tips on stress reliever we have ever heard from highly paid doctor sounds like a joke, stress, ugly, stress, ugly, hmmmm, that should work !

This week ended with a fulfilling hunt for a perfect french bread, I ended up with two, cheese onion french bread and country herbs french baquette. That's gonna make the weekend even more perfect, let's eat dear strangers !

 

London and New York

New York is my favorite city, it makes me humble, as I always have to look up for air, it makes me feel young, it's awakening, it's refreshing, it's crazy, it's real, it's fattening. I went to New York with 2 friends, one crazy, the other calmed, that forced me to be in between, feeling like a second child, only I was the oldest among all. The crazy one keeps telling me that New York is for somebody young like him, and now that he is in London, he told me recently that London is for 'senior' people like me. London is calmed, organized, relaxed with so many parks, countryside reachable as far as the the money takes you, the kind of quietness I should like. But hey, I am no ordinary oldies  !! I always have identity crisis in my life, acting old when I was young, feeling young when I am now 'older'. In life, there is always 2 characters in us, sometimes we feel like New York, feeling crazy and vibrant, young and happy wearing short skirts and dancing on the street, sometimes we want to run away from New York and go into the London part of us, calmed, matured, relaxed, composed and ...... old ! I want to be New York at parties, I better be London in yoga class. Criss-crossing identitites makes life a lot of fun, who says dual-personality is a desease, it's just being normal.

All said, I am not sure if I want to be Paris, for the reason I have never been there , secondly, nay !! Paris remind me of Paris Hilton, never mind the money, I like living a normal free live ! London or New York, it doesn't matter, as long as you're free like a bird !

Hey stranger !! Don't you be freaking out ! I am definitely that bird !!

Making up strange stories

I used to have too many problems in my life ... those years when I was married and my stranger dissapeared from home, either with friends out having fun leaving me alone at home with little babies, or with that stupid whore who got nothing better to do other than ruining people's life. There were times when it was so difficult to fall asleep, sometimes I could not sleep for many nights, my record was 4 nights in a row. I tried yoga, chi-gong, this, that, xanac, I almost got addicted to Imovane. Let me tell you what works like wonder. When you have trouble sleeping, make up stories, most of the time, strange stories. Make it as good as possible, so good it make you feel great, and the feeling of greatness beat the blues of Imovane right away. I used to imagine being invited at Oprah to talk about how foolish a man can be, I imagine talking about my bestselling book about what I learn from man's stupidity,  the thing we can learn about life from yoga class, about how it was being filmed by Steven Spielberg, all started from a yoga class I attended with his wife in New York city. I imagine Louis Vutton having a special design done after this movie, with Breathe Yoga initial on it, monogram canvas with Red/White color, my name embossed on it, presented to me at the end of Oprah show. When we decided to live separately, I imagine the day he left that whore, when he come begging for me to accept him back. I imagine that women calling me, and I used all opportunities to tell how horrible she is, that I get to curse her that she will suffer for the rest of her life. I imagine the day she suffer so much in life, feeling shameful of her wrongdoings, lost her belongings, her car, her family, her dignity. I imagine one day when we plan to come back together, that my stranger has at last learned from all these sufferings, that he become best husband ever, he become somebody brand new i never know before. All this imagination put my mind to rest and blessed my night with good sleep.

The strange stories about Oprah will never come true, THAT I know ! The stories about living happily ever after, may come true, THAT i all up to me now, THAT is all up to God's greatest power. But I know all the stories in between has happened. Dreams are free, and if it does come true, take that as bonus in life !! Let's dream all strangers !!

Random mind

Do you know what I love the most about blogging ? First, I can be creative on whatever the random mind is telling me, and then I tell a strange machine .... second .... little that I know people have interest to read, excitement grows as I see the total pageviews increase, whatever pageviews mean ! Last but not least, I get to title the random mind ..... during those years I was born, putting your thought on papers will take time as you write and developed muscle on one hand. now ? I just think and type.

Gotta go washy, washy, known stranger just called to date me, but nah ! gotta washy washy and feeling lazy !!

Beautiful stranger

At last, after contemplating for months, I told this one beautiful stranger about my strange life. This beautiful stranger is a person that you can't seem to talk about anything else in life, other than beauty and fashion. He can never hold secrets, he tell me I am fat everyday. If you need advise on life .... don't count on him. Ask him about fashion, vogue, Lady Gaga, Gissele, he'll tell you before you finish asking. To him, there's no excuse to look fat and ugly except your own laziness.

What make me tells him is something so mysterious ... just a look in the beautiful high-maintenance face tells me I can trust him, and I did. For the first time in life, I saw him looking like a real human, somebody who does advise you about life, about giving a second chance, about how silly a man can be, about jealousy, about forgiving others. For the first time I saw him beyond beauty and I know right away, he will hold my secrets, because if he don't he knows I will kill him. All this revealation don't change him a bit, we ended our talk with him reminding me that I am still fat no matter what, and he is still loving the fact that the fatty creamy latte I had almost every morning will make him ever more beautiful than me !

This beautiful stranger will vanish for a short while, I will miss somebody who tells me that I need to work harder in the gym and to have mercy on my skinny jeans. Be good beautiful stranger, you know I'll be watching you from far !!

Painfully skinny girl !

As a late bloomer, I got my first and only skinny jeans when I was 39, after a good friend convined me that I will definitely look skinny in it. True enough, it did its magic, looking skinny long legs brand new me, the loose top complimented it superbly, not to mention the sexy high-heel. Am I tall and skinny ... you're kidding me, I AM NOT ! Do I look like one ? Yes, thanks to Levis !

It's been at least 4, if not 6 months, my dear skinny jean are now so lonely and unattended to. I am so dying to get into it, but the effect of enjoying single life, with late night french bread topped with cream cheese perfected by hot tea with brown sugar makes my dream fade away. Tomorrow, i will atempt to get into it. It will be a symbolic attempt, it's a symbol of freedom, happiness, mid-life-crisis at least. My breathing will definitely be affected, the air I breathe in can no longer pass right to my stomach for it will explode the jeans, but never mind. In life there's always hurdles, for skinny jeans it will be worst. I will do my best, I will squeeze my butt and thighs into it, I will jump into it if I have to. I will do whatever it take, in fashion or in life, no pain means no gain  girl ! Tomorrow is the jugdement day, my skinny jeans will tell me if I need to get more serious with yoga class or visit to gym, TOMORROW !!!

Who says women at 40s need to start to be an auntie, mine start right here right now inside this skinny jeans !!

Strange dream, scary dream

Phone rang very early in the morhing "hey ! I truly miss you, is everything ok ? I had the strangest dream last night, that you and the boys were all leaving me for a place far and away, you said goodbye, then our two boys. It was sad when our youngest said, good-bye papa, don't be sad, we will come back and get you' . I sat there quietly, almost crying and thinking ... , fear running through my mind. My stranger, that is probably your unconcious fearful mind telling you that you do in fact, love your family and wants them back. I may be wrong, it could mean something else ... message from God ? sign to stop this crazy lifestyle and start to get serious about it ? sign of aging perhaps ? OR maybe it's just another unconcious game that means nothing. All I know is after listening to all this, fear makes me frantically calling and wanting to talk to my boys, driving home super safely so I can show up at school in one piece, kissing and hugging them like there's no tomorrow.

All this tells me that, literally nothing matters more in life than these two little man who define me as a true women !!

Strangely single at last .....

Wow ! What a day ... as much as  enjoying the fun of being single, it is quite a dramatic experience to go through the process to be officially single. First answering questions in public, hearing the judgement out loud in front of other strangers, I feel sad, happy, mixed, but never once nervous, positive for life ahead, but this stranger of mine is oh so confusing, his uninvited 'love' landed me into another blurry future. Why is friendship in a marriage to hard to achieve yet it exist easily outside of it. Why is it so hard to talk when you are in the cobwebs of being together, yet it kicks in naturally once you are outside of it, WHY ? I know for sure that I feel terribly guilty for all the relatives who has been involved in building our dream future, relatives who are now 10 years older, our dream smashed into zillion of pieces by another heartless stranger , or maybe two including this stranger that I want to hate but never been able to.

But guess what happen next, we walk out of this strange place trying to act as normal possible, him telling me that we will rebuild the future together, as he pat on my back asking for forgiveness, breakfast at our usual rendevous, can't help but wanting each other all over again. How do I escape from what seems to be another stupidity ? Shopping spree for those I love in my live, which includes 2 pairs of shoes for me.

Fellow strangers out there, listen up, life can be confusing and nasty to you, but loving yourself first than the rest keep you hanging tight it there, love my SHOES !!

Remember when I said I am somewhat married ? Well, he wanted to get back together, living separately has finally teach him a lesson. For me, It gives me freedom to be myself and I am so loving it until it freaks him out. Do I want him back ? I don't know. Being with him is complicated, being with a man is complicated. I am definitely not planning to run into the arms of another woman of course, but single life IS in fact, a lot of fun !! You live your life at your own standard and you are only expected to trust yourself.

For the last 2+ years, I watch this one old man, who patiently walk his grandson, I assume, every morning to the kindergarden. He is calmed, well dressed, clean looking in his seriously pressed white long sleeve shirt and black pants, perfectly pressed as well. Walking in perfect posture, hardly smiling, talk a little to only his grandson. He walk every morning at same exact time of what may take him at least 20 minutes. I watched him as I drive pass going to the same school. Now that both my sons are in primary school, I have a closer look at this old man. In the same white shirt and black pants, I am dying to talk to him, but what about ? I have a very deep unexplainable admiration towards him. STRANGE, but I love this strangeness. I love the fact that not everything is explainable. He stand outside the school patiently waiting for his little boy, hardly talking to anybody, calmed as ever, he don't smile yet he don't frown. Motionless and emotionless until the school gate open,everyday ....

Just the other day, as I went into the school compound, I saw a worried looking 7 years old boy, looking for somebody, who fetches him I would think, and I quickly ask him to go back and wait inside, worry for his safety. Then I heard a soft voice calling him, that old man ! For the first time I see the old man smile, the sweetest smile I've seen, pouring out zillions of loves flying all over the place, as the little boy calling out at him 'grandpa !'.

Now, if my stranger can guarantee us the kind of unconditional love I saw that evening, I will probably  welcome him back into my life..... but one thing for sure, I know I will soon come talk to this old loving stranger !!